• Maria C. Krause

A toxic love story... abuse and destruction.

Updated: May 7, 2019




I had to tell my ego to F@ck off so I can find myself again



5 years ago I walked out that door, I had enough!

The mental abuse was pulling me deeper and deeper underground. I kept trying to figure out what I had I done wrong, what changed... Why suddenly everything you ever loved, was now what you seemed to hate the most.

He thought that wasn't enough to push me away...and he was right. I was stubborn, I was hurt, I was constantly trying to find a reason why.

So the physical abuse started... It wasn't the first time, nor the second, took me three times to say STOP, I had enough! I can't take it anymore!

My screams, my tears meant nothing to him... Playing hide and seek, crying on a dark corner where he couldn't see me or hear me, just in case it bothered him and he would start all over again. Living on constant fear of feeling like a failure, like I wasn't worth it or good enough to be loved and cared for.

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5 years ago, I gathered the strength and courage to say, I had enough!

But my broken heart kept coming back, over and over again. Hoping that things would change, that everything would go back to the way it used to be, some moments of happiness, love and laugh.

I couldn't see it clearly... It was all a blur.. Mostly because of the tears and my ego getting in between what was real and what I wanted to be real.

I created a love fairy tale in my head and I wasn't ready to let it go, to give up and see that it was just my imagination playing tricks and that happiness, love and laugh didn't really existed. There were just part of the toxicity and la la land I was living in my head.

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Yes, I kept coming back, each time thinking I was stronger and that I was a better woman than I was before, I was so desperate for his love, I wanted him to see it, feel it. I wanted the new me, change him and live happily ever after.

How wrong!

How delusional of me.." I'm just a girl standing here asking to be loved".

How selfish of me... Wanting someone else to do something I couldn't even do for myself. LOVE.

How almighty of me to think that someone would change for me because I did it for him!

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I felt changes... I felt the distance between us... I felt what I should have felt a long time ago, RUN MARIA, GET THE FUCK OUT OF THERE!

I told my ego to fuck off, that now it was time to move on, to let me be for a while until I could figure out who I was again.

He was gone... My ego was gone... It was just me, myself and I...still not knowing who I was, what my life was going to be like, who I wanted to become.

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I ran, so fast and far away to a place where I felt safe, I was alone but I was safe. It gave me comfort, hope. I could cry if I needed, and cry I did, until everything came out and I could breathe again. I felt alive again. I felt my heart beating again. I felt an immense love and appreciation for myself like I had never felt before.

I had finally found myself again.

I am stronger.

I am confident and secure of who I am.

I have healed and I have survived.

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Now, after 5 years, you try to come back in my life again... Who's delusional now?

The pain is finally gone and so are you... Like a long lost memory in a drunken night, a blur from the past that has no meaning and no sense. So distant. So far away. GONE!

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I am grateful for the pain that you caused me, it only made me stronger. It became my superpower. It helped me become the woman I am today... And you'll stay in the past, where you belong.

A blur of a drunken fairy tale love story.

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Love, Light, BE

Maria. xxx






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