My journey with Alcohol... From recreation to self-destruction
The thin line between Recreational alcohol use to the road of self-destruction
Drinking has been in my family for generations, as most families.
My father was a drunk...So most men I have ever dated... And myself.
It started as a teenager, being something recreational until it turned into a habit, with anger and violence alongside.
Recreational turned into self destruction, lack of confidence, lack of self love.
I would start the night...And some times, the days with the elixir of loose inhibition... feeling happy and cheerful, no inhibitions, being friendly, chatty and even funny. Doing some crazy fun things that I was able to do under the influence. I thought I was the motherfucking Queen, so cool and free. . . . Then darkness started creeping in...Showing parts of me that were deeply hidden, wounds that weren't heal, things that I didn't even know there part of me.
Punching and being punch!
Hurting with words. Hurting with actions... Not giving a fuck about the consequences or anyone else, not even myself.
Letting myself down over and over again.
Blaming everything on others and the world.
LOST... Absolutely lost in my own chaos and darkness. . . . There where times that I hurt myself so badly but I couldn't remember.
Times where I couldn't even remembering getting home.
Times that I lost friends and I didn't care why or how.
Times when I didn't know who I was anymore...What was real and what was not. . . . RECREATIONAL?!!!!
How can that be possible, if I can't remember half of my life, and choose to consciously forget the other half?!!!?
Living to the edge... Empty, crazy, unfulfilled, LOST!
Again, blaming everything on someone else and something else.
The stressful job.
The unhappy relationship.
The loneliness and uncertainty of not knowing who your true friends are.
And once again...ANGER! . . . I had to dig deeper... I had to invite all those feelings to have a party with me. All together in one room, getting as drunk and oblivious as possible so we could let it all out. All of us, feelings, thoughts, experiences, pain; all in one place to confront them, really listen and pay attention on what they had to say... All out!
It wasn't easy... I was not only carrying my burden but the burden of generations...The burden of my father.
And now I feel FREE. like I have never ever felt before!
FREE of my pas.
FREE of my guilt.
FREE of my anger.
FREE of the pain that lead me to it.
FREE! . . . As I continue on my journey to self discover and love, I finally let that part of me go... I no longer need the elixir of loose my inhibition in my life anymore. I don't need anything chemical to help me be more friendly, chatty or even funny.
I simply don't care anymore...I just want to be the person I am today.
I want to remember every moment of my life.
I want to love and be loved.
I want to live a life free of everything and everyone that is not aligned to me and my being.
I want to be FREE!
So I finally say goodbye to wine, to everything out there that I once believed I needed in my life so that I can cope with my realty, with who I was.
Embrace who you are!
Maria C. Krause
Mindset and Business Coach. Mindfulness and Lifestyle Blogger.
Owner and Founder of Soul Sister's Universe Tribe.
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