The journey of dating a narcissist and breaking FREE!
This is exactly how I feel today! Doing a crazy crazy dance celebrating the beautiful feeling of FREEDOM and ultimate HAPPINESS!
I never thought that this day will ever come... of course I wanted it to happen, but honestly, didn't think that this could actually become real.
Of course it didn't happen out of the blue... There are countless hours of coaching and counselling involved. Countless meditation sessions. Countless book reads on Mindfulness and Self-love. Countless moments of sadness, self-doubt, pain, and regrets.
But the day has finally come!
I'VE SEEN MY EX AND I FELT ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!!!! WOOOHOOOOO!
For those one who have been following my blogs, you'll have an idea of what I am talking about... but let's refresh for all the new people who have joined us today. And also to refresh my memory and be a thousand times grateful that this day has finally come.
Like most women looking for love and affection, I was in a quest for real love, for a man that loved me and understood me and share my craziness.
I had a string of bad relationships, one after another, it was like a never ending bad story; a nightmare that I was so desperately wanting to wake up from and when I thought I did, it just keep happening, over and over again.
At first, everything was great, because of course, I was trying so hard to make it work. I wanted this one to be THE ONE. So I keep trying, adapting, transforming myself to their needs, to the woman I thought they wanted me to be. Trying to be the fun one, the most outgoing and crazy person in the room; the sexiest, and of course, the one that was only cool with the boys. In my head women didn't understand me or they were too jealous or afraid of me... What a FUCKING FOOL I was to realize years later that it was actually the other way around... But loveys, that's another blog post all together. I'll promise to get back to it!
I did everything they expected me to do, I became everything they expected me to be... Which looking back now, it was near who I really was, but I was so desperate to be loved that I was ready to do anything! I was all in! Or so I wanted to believe!
And then I met him...and everything changed!
I was making changes in my life, I was on my journey to finding myself. I was discovering the things I didn't want in my life anymore, and a shity relationship was at the top of my priority; so it made perfect sense, he was THE ONE!
We became friends at first, share deep and hidden secrets that neither one of us would have shared with anyone else. Ghosts from the past that hunts us and we need to feel secure enough to share with someone who's been through the same, because we know they will understand.
And we did, we comfort one another, we promised one another to forgive ourselves for everything that we have done, and become better and more understanding.
We felt in each others arms, lives, skin...A love that I haven't ever felt before, a love where I could finally be completely and utterly my true self.
He was THE ONE!
And then, that day came!
It felt like I was falling back into that horrible continuous nightmare repeating all over again.
Everything I ever was for him suddenly turned into an inconvenience. Everything I had ever done for him, suddenly was stupid and bothered him. Everything we once share, was now insignificant.
I was nothing for him anymore. I was nothing for me anymore.
The verbal abuse started and slowly moved into physical... But it seemed that it was my fault, I deserved it, because I couldn't be the person he wanted me to be, because ME suddenly wasn't good enough for him anymore.
Depression kicked. Self-destruct was the only way I could ease the pain, at least for a moment.
Crazy thoughts ran through my head, making me believe it was the easiest and best way to end this all.
I had done something wrong and I couldn't pinpoint what exactly. I thought I was his all, as he was mines.
And I kept trying, because that's the kind of woman I am. I wanted to make it all better. I wanted to be back to all those precious moments of true love.
I tried, over and over again, and the only thing I was getting back was more self-blame, more pain, more tears and more crazy thoughts.
After countless hours of coaching and counselling; countless books, countless meditations; and countless of self-love; today it finally happened!
I SEEN MY NARCISSIST EX AND I FELT NOTHING!
No pain. No self-blame. No regrets. No shame. No hate. No "what if". No remorse. No jealousy. No crazy thoughts. No self-destruct. No "I want to punch you".
A big smile took over me, my own, my heart is at peace, my past is at peace.
All I could think is that I wanted to write this and share it with anyone out there who's going through the same as I have and let you know that that moment will come!
When you least expect it, you'll find yourself standing there with a big silly smile in your face, thanking yourself and the Universe that this moment has finally come!
Life has its own strange ways to show us that we need to love and empower our true soul and spirit, and we don't have to do nor be anyone who we don't want to be.
We are beautiful just the way we are... And there's a soul to every soul.
When the time is right, you'll know, because it's then that you won't have to try anymore... Everything will just flow and every piece of the puzzle will form into everything you ever wanted.
There's tears running down my eyes as I write this... Tears of joy and happiness; FREEDOM! And is beautiful and overwhelming at the same time!
Just keep going, do the little steps every day. And when that moment comes, I'll be reading your blog post because you will want to share it with the whole world like I have!
Love and Light,
Maria C. Krause
Mindset and Business Coach
Founder and Owner of Soul Sister's Universe
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