• Maria C. Krause

Consistency... Hard to follow sometimes!


Consistency... Hard to follow sometimes!

I remember how years ago the only thing I used to be consistently good at was at being angry. Yes, I was the ultimate pro at it.

I used to find anything and anyone to be angry at. My job, my body, the people around me, my parents, my sister, every situation I would get myself into, not only I was angry, it was everyone's fault that I was feeling like that, but not mines.

I was so angry and I didn't know why, but it seemed like I wanted to feel that way, always!

I wanted people to feel sorry for me, I wanted to showed them that my anger was coming from a place of self-pity, I was a victim to everything that was happening around me and the only way I knew how to express it, was by feeling angry.

Anger led me to jealousy, envy, frustration, constant failures, and bad relationships, bad choices. I felt empty inside. Like my body and my organs were there, still functioning; my heart was still beating inside my chest, but that's all it was doing, there were no feelings, nada, completely numb!

At times I questioned myself if I was even human, how was it possible for me not to feel anything at all; and that didn't make me feel sad, which it would be the normal feeling to feel, instead I was more angry.

The only moments that I remotely felt anything it was when I completely numbed myself, escape from who I was and my reality. I was feeling "Comfortably Numb", as Pink Floyd's song.

I kept covering and covering up, getting more numb and insensible as the years went by and my anger grew stronger.

I was rude. I didn't care about anything nor anyone, not even myself. I just wanted to stay on that moment "Comfortably Numb".

And then something magical happened. I became "Uncomfortably numb", shit wasn't working anymore, the booze wasn't causing the effect that I so much wanted...It just started to make it worst, and in that moment I started feeling again, and at first it manifested as sickness, my body was giving up, couldn't take it anymore, and then depression kicked in and that was when I knew I NEVER EVER wanted to feel that way again.

I would make my life mission to kick anger, jealousy, resentment, fears, all put them into a ball and kick them so far away from me that I would never have to see them again.

And by making that conscious decision, my life has taken a huge turn. I took the actions necessary to learn where my anger was coming from, tapped into my most darkest memories and worked my ass off so I would never feel that way again.

It's an ongoing process that has lead me to discover amazing things about myself and therefore doing the things that I love doing the most... And now I can actually feel what LOVE really feels like, I can feel all those amazing emotions that we have as humans... I can say, I now know that I AM HUMAN!

And it feels FUCKING AMAZING!!!!

You have your own journey, your own lessons to learn, your own experiences to live...But when that moment comes, when you're feeling "UNCOMFORTABLY NUMB", don't ignore it, it's your life that is begging you to be lived and loved!

Love and Light,

Maria. Xxx

Mindset and Business Coach

Founder and owner of SOUL SISTER'S UNIVERSE


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