The lonely journey to change!
That journey...the most important journey in your life! The one that is scary AF, the one that you feel so alone, is the MOST important journey to take when you've made that crucial decision to take charge of your own life.
I'm 39 years young now... And between you and I, I started that journey to change about 8 years ago. But I was scared, scared AS FUCK, because it was a lonely journey. Most of the people I had around me, got angry... and it's not their fault. I did try to blame it on them, to make myself feel better, thinking I was the best for taking that next step to CHANGE.
By the way, I want to make crystal clear that I wasn't changing WHO I WAS, just the choices I made in life... For some people dislike, I was just making sure that my true self, was always amazing and powerful. All I did those years was dumb myself down just to be liked and accepted.
When I started my first journey ... (yeah, had to start a few until I finally had enough)... I seek for help. I went to a counselor, I needed someone who was neutral and objective, someone that I felt wouldn't judge me for who I was and the choices I made.
At first it was hard to open up, not because I didn't trust her, because I was so full of "I HAD ENOUGH" that I just wanted to vomit it up, and I was scared she wouldn't want to see me again. I couldn't face another person telling me how FUCKED UP I was... Had enough of it at home from the man I thought was my soulmate. I couldn't emotionally, physically take another rejection!
So, of course, it didn't work out...So there I was, in the same position as before but feeling more guilty because I went and ask for help but I failed them too... I thought I was the biggest piece of SHIT ever!
Tears are falling out of my eyes now... I tried, I wanted to get out, I was tired of the same bullshit over and over again. Being the clown, the last woman standing, the one that can outdo everyone and everything... And the next day, still stand out strong and beautiful as ever.
So I took the road... I decided for the 100 time, it was time to stick to it, that no matter what, I will be who I am all the time, not to entertain someone who doesn't have a life and finds me amusing... I decided that I want to help those ones who feel the same. I want to help others know their worth. I want to help others that feel alone in their journey to know that there is someone here to hold their hand, cry their tears, hold them until they find themselves again.
This is the toughest journey in life and I am a strong believer that what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger! But I also know how hard is to go through this alone...So I want to give you my hand, my heart and share my strength to tell you... YOU ARE NOT ALONE! I AM HERE ALL THE WAY, NO MATTER HOW HARD IT IS... I'LL BE HERE!
Maria C. Krause. xxx
Ps.: This letter is dedicated especially to my dear friend Jennifer Mckernan. I LOVE YOU GIRL!
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